When Cynthia Christensen, owner of Book Stop, Hood River, Ore., had pneumonia and laryngitis, her original solution for working at the store was to put up a sign that said, "I have laryngitis and can't talk at all. However, I know several useful hand gestures. Not all of them are rude." But this didn't work because people asked so many open-ended questions. Her doctor then forbade her to go to work until her voice returned.
So for two weeks, her husband, Charlie, who usually works in an ER, stepped in and replaced her in the store. He kept notes in a journal of interactions with customers (and non-customers!), which came to form what he calls "a simultaneous rant and ode to the trade." Cynthia noted that Charlie now has "a much greater appreciation for what I do, and belligerent drunks in his ER don't annoy him as much as they did before."
Among the conversations:
"I'm just browsing."
"I'm just killing time."
"Do you have a restroom? My son needs to poop."
"Do you have this used?" (Holds up a book just released in paperback that day.) "It was just released today." "But you're a used bookstore." "Sorry, they haven't figured out how to print them used."
"Where is the free parking?"
"Can I get change for the meter?"
"What do you sell here?"
"Do you have any free maps?"
"Can I use this water bowl over here for my dog?"
"Is this all you have for a Christian section? God!"
"I need a Band-Aid."
"Can my kids stay here while I'm eating next door?"
"How do I know the price?"
"Is there a restroom here?" (Many, many, many more times today.)
"Do you have ________?" (Insert obscure, possibly fake book title to look cool in front of friends with no chance of having actually to spend any money.)
"Can I make you a deal on this book?"
"Have you seen my wife?"
"Do you have maps?" (Looks at map, writes directions, incorrectly folds map, leaves it on the sofa.)
"Where is your Red Tail Hawk section? You know, the bird."
"Where am I?"
"Can I bring my dog in your store?"
"Do you sell coffee?"
"Is this a library?"
"Was Abraham Lincoln really a vampire hunter?"
"Do you have Under the Dome in softcover?"
"Is my mommy there? I miss talking to her." (Our 22-year-old daughter, Laura.)
"How come this town has three bookstores?"
"I can get it cheaper on Amazon."
"Can you describe the lay of the land around here?"
"Will my car get towed if I leave it in front of your store all day?"
"I'm looking for a book that has the word 'free' in the title."
"Mom, I have to poop!"
"Do you have a chicken section? Goats?"
"Have you seen my children?"
"Do you carry newspapers?" (I show him the Hood River News.) "That's not a newspaper."
"Do you have any way so that I don't have to pay these meters?"
"There's a hair on this sofa."
"Mom, can I have this Clifford book?" "No, Clifford gets on my nerves."
"Are all these books donated to you, so I can just take one?"
"Do you buy books?" "No, but we'll take certain books in for store credit." "So you buy books?" "No. We just trade for store credit." "I just want money."
"If I bring in some books, can you tell me what they're worth so I can sell them on eBay?"
"I never knew there was a library here." "There is, but it's on the next street over." "What is this?" "It's a bookstore." "Oh, I don't read."
"Can you watch my children while I eat at the bagel shop?"
"Are these books for sale or do you just collect them?"
"Dad, look a bookstore! Let's take a look." "Why? It's just books." "Come on, it will just take a minute." "No, reading is stupid."
"Have you read all these books? When do you watch TV?"
"Are you hiring?" "No." "I like books." "So do I." "I promise not to get in the way. I could just read or something."
"Are you hiring?" "No." "Good! Can I use your company's name?" "Why?" "I have to tell the Unemployment Department I can't find a job."
"Do you have women in here?"
"I need quarters for your stupid parking machines."
"Can I buy a stick of your gum?" (Seeing my personal pack behind the counter)? "No, that's not for sale. But you can buy a book." "No, I hate books."