Amazon has launched a new program called WWJD--What Would Jeff Do--that aims to draw on and enhance a variety of products and services already offered by the company that have not, in many cases, "reached their fullest, most throbbing potential," as a release put it.
Accessed via voice assistant with the phrase "Alexa, disrupt my marriage," the program includes several manly parts:
- Upgrades in delivery times and special handling for packages of impressive size and shape;
- A new multibillionaires-only service called Amazon Prime Meet, featuring available mistresses rated four stars or higher by members;
- The reintroduction of the Amazon Fire phone, featuring a new close-up photo enlargement capability;
- A new section in the Amazon Marketplace for personals featuring selfies, with an adults-only "Richard pics" area;
- A divorce/breakup negotiation program based on approaches used with publishers, including the "setting alimony and asset division rates at below cost" plan; the "existential delisting" option; and requiring all ex-spouses' and ex-girlfriends' personal and legal communications to go through a computerized call center in Asia;
- A new security app called "Beware the Brother," which automatically beats off hacking and other attempts to probe the user's internal data.
Commenting as Lord Jeff, his Amazon Prime Meet handle, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos called the new program "easy to grasp" and praised staff for whipping it out so quickly. --John Mutter