Novelist and critic Keith Gessen (A Terrible Country) would be the first to admit he didn't set out to write a book of parenting advice, but young parents reading the nine frank but warmhearted essays that compose Raising Raffi: The First Five Years will be happy he did, not least for the collection's reassuring message: you are not alone.
Gessen, who's married to the novelist Emily Gould and lives in Brooklyn, began writing these pieces when his son, Raphael, was three years old. He admits he "felt ridiculous about it at times," but ultimately "came to think there was some value in recording my own groping toward knowledge in this most important of human endeavors, a kind of record of a primitive consciousness making its way toward the light." That statement is characteristic of the refreshingly self-deprecating tone of Gessen's writing as he navigates Raffi's early years, beginning with the perils of a home birth his wife deeply desired and he thought was "crazy," and continuing through milestones that include one of the most fraught for many New York City parents--the selection of their child's first school.
One unwelcome event was the arrival of the coronavirus in March 2020. "King Germ" describes the Gessen family's experience during New York City's initial lockdown. When the pandemic struck, finding Gessen on sabbatical and Emily about to release a new novel, they were living in a 900-square-foot apartment, but they later migrated to a large house vacated by friends. Even in his relatively privileged circumstances, "the pressure the lockdown put on our marriage was intense," and he concedes that four-and-a-half-year-old Raffi's efforts on Zoom amounted to little more than "attempted schoolwork." While he acknowledges he someday may appreciate the bright side of those dark months, "right now it just feels like a scar across our lives."
Among the book's most engaging chapters are "Love and Anger," in which Gessen chronicles his struggles to discipline Raffi during the year the boy acted like a "three-year-old terrorist," and "Say It in Russian," where he describes his efforts to teach Raffi his native language. (Gessen was born in Moscow and came to the United States at age six in 1981.) In several of these essays, Gessen consults experts and immerses himself in parenting literature, coming away from these sources as perplexed as when he started. That puzzlement also surfaces in the collection's final essay, "Bear Dad," where he weighs the merits of parenting styles from different cultures and concludes, straightforwardly but optimistically, "Development will occur!"
Anyone who's experienced the joys and challenges of parenting will find themselves savoring Keith Gessen's piquant observations on fatherhood. And if they pick up a useful tip or two from his hard-earned experience, that wouldn't be surprising either. --Harvey Freedenberg, freelance reviewer
Shelf Talker: Keith Gessen shares heartfelt personal stories and lessons learned from his first five years of fatherhood.