The following open letter to the book publishing industry was released this morning by Representative George Santos (R.-N.Y.):
Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long, long year. Stole many a man's soul and faith.
Like the beginning of a new song I've been working on?
I'm the new Representative from Long Island. Also a brilliant Wall Street wheeler dealer; a real estate tycoon; salesperson extraordinaire; a powerful politician; best broker and agent; holder of multiple graduate degrees; charity mogul; fantastic consultant; the most observant Catholic, Jew-ish person, Protestant, and any other religion you can name; descendant of royalty, but not a drag queen!
Today I'm here to tell you that while I will be President soon enough, in the meantime I will supplement my political life by capitalizing on another one of my brilliant careers--book publishing. Recall all that I've done in your world, ye of little faith:
- I brokered the deal that got James Daunt to head Barnes & Noble.
- I gave Andy Hunter the idea for Bookshop.org, which saved so many indie bookstores during the lockdowns.
- I've anonymously funded all of Binc. (I just wish they'd put me in charge of disbursements!)
- I hold the record for pitching no-hitters in the publishers softball league, which I organized when I was simultaneously owner of Harper & Row and Bantam Doubleday Dell.
- I invented the e-book and the audiobook, which was after I helped Al Gore invent the Internet.
- Hell, I helped Gutenberg notice that wine presses might be able to hold type.
So I'm making myself available to head any of the Big Five publishers. Actually, I'm in the middle of the hiring process with all five of them. Wait, I mean to say I'm entertaining offers from the five. It's a bidding war! For me! Yeah, that's the ticket!
This is the biggest reason they want me: I've promised I will complete the inevitable merger of the Big Five publishers into the Big One. The key to my strategy is how to respond to government challenges. Wait, it's more not responding to government challenges. Yeah, that's the ticket! We'll just ignore the Justice Department! I've done brilliantly flouting the law. You can, too!