I've been having this recurring fever dream lately. Imagine Mickey Mouse, the Steamboat Willie version, on the bridge of the Icon of the Seas, whistling happily as he spins a wooden ship wheel to steer the massive new cruise ship (five times the size of the Titanic, as the media keeps writing without fear) on its maiden voyage from Miami to St. Kitts and back, with a couple of stops in between.
Steamboat Mickey is now a public domain character, so I can cast him in my seafaring dreams without fear of litigation. And there has been so much publicity about the Icon's maiden voyage that I've felt obliged to work it into my quiet little bookish, non-seafaring life.
Which leads me to this question: Is there a book angle to help me process the candy-coated enormity of the Icon? I have other questions, too. If I were somehow teleported to the Icon, would there be a place for me to hide and read? Is there a bookstore on board? (No, as far as I can tell.) Is there a ship's library, where I could stow away for the duration of the cruise? (Apparently not).
Many ships do have "libraries," though I suspect they often look like this Library & Card Room on another Royal Caribbean ship, offering a downsized definition of the term well stocked: "In the mood to curl up with a good book? Or show off your poker face? Our well stocked Library and Card Room offers great reads across many genres. Plus tables for cards and board games."
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| QM2's library | |
I've also learned during my brief landlocked voyage that Ocean Books has been providing Library Services to the cruise industry for more than 30 years "and has gained a wealth of experience commissioning and managing on-board libraries for most major cruise lines." According to the company, it has supplied more than 130 new cruise ship libraries, from exclusive ones as small as the 200-book Library Suite on Aurora, to the 1,000-book libraries on luxury yachts, the 2,000-3000-book libraries on a wide range of cruise ships, and even the 10,000-book library on the Queen Mary 2.
But I was still at a loss to find a bookish connection to the Icon of the Seas until I was rescued by perhaps the unlikeliest of high seas adventurers.
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| Gary Shteyngart on board. | |
"Cruisin' for a bruisin' on the maiden voyage of the world's biggest cruise ship, the Icon of the Seas. Stay tuned for more," author Gary Shteyngart posted on TwiX last Saturday.
Now the real voyage had launched, featuring a worthy, mischievous protagonist. Was he really on board? Joyce Carol Oates seemed surprised, commenting: "Is this something you've done before, Gary? do you know what you are getting into? friends are hoping so."
"I finally feel like American Golden Boy, Joyce!" Shteyngart replied.
Oates also noted that "writers/professors are often invited on cruise ships as a kind of entertainment for passengers; a Princeton colleague (literature) found himself competing with a class on flower arrangement. the most interesting thing in David Foster Wallace's hilarious essay is the revelation that, on a cruise, provided you don't become infected with a hideous contagious illness spreading like wildfire through the floating petri dish, you will sleep 10-11 hours at a stretch as if comatose. rolling boat, sloshing waves, atrophying muscles & brain."
"I'm pretty sure thinking is not allowed on this ship," Shteyngart cracked.
Mystery author cruises are a popular option, but the mystery here was whether Shteyngart was actually on board the Icon or having a laugh at our expense. Either would have been fine by me, and well within the parameters of his well-honed senses of humor and irony.
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| Shteyngart's shore excursion. | |
Then Shteyngart dropped further clues, posting photos from St. Kitts ("The curried conch in St. Kitts is unimpeachable. Also rum punch. Wish I could stay here.") and St. Thomas ("Jumped ship at the Virginal Islands. These chaste people make one hell of an oxtail.").
Asked by a commenter whether he'd be getting back on the Icon, Shteyngart replied: "Staying behind would be considered treason by Royal Caribbean. I have free wifi and an en-suite espresso maker aboard the ship. I can't lose that."
I want him to be on board the Icon, but I also kind of love the fact that he's leaving just a little room for doubt. Even this post from last July anticipates the mystery to come: "Will sail and write about this thing for a fee. Please specify level of sarcasm desired."
Words at sea.
On my brief virtual voyage this week, I also learned the one word you can't say on a cruise ship, courtesy of TikTok star Marc Sebastian, whose 18-day stint on Royal Caribbean's nine-month Ultimate World Cruise was sponsored by Atria Books. The bad word, as you've probably guessed, is... Titanic.
"You're not supposed to talk about the Titanic? Who knew that? I didn't," Sebastian said. "I brought it up to an entire room of people having lunch that our ship is only 100 feet longer than the Titanic... utensils dropped; waiters gasped; it's dead silent."
So, just to be on the safe side, watch your words, Gary. And Steamboat Mickey, please steer a safe course home.